Dawn

This morning I sat and ate my cereal while I looked out over the backyard, rather than sitting at the computer. It made a nice, peaceful change to my morning and I was rewarded with this sunrise.

Red Tent Circle - Leo

Tonight was somewhat disappointing. I think I'm letting the facilitator get to me, she doesn't seem to be very structured and therefore her circles are quite fragmented and jumpy which I don't particularly like. Other times it hasn't bothered me quite so much but with just me, her and one other tonight it was quite strong. Not sure what to do with that. On one hand it certainly highlights doing the facilitator training, but I kind of feel like I'm betraying that group by starting my own, even though there isn't anything out this side of the city really.

One of the facilitator courses coming up is for the Inner Goddess Makeover which could be interesting.

So tonight we pulled cards and I got Athena, so all about trusting my inner wisdom which is part of the manifestations I made yesterday. In the meditation was more maiden/inner child healing being required though the meditation itself felt quite strong, we met Brigid and assisted her in birthing some lambs. The purple forest flower is my symbol.

Manifestations:

1. I will leave Fitness First
2. I will start Yoga Practice
3. I will go back to Martial Arts
4. I will relearn how to play
5. I will encourage my inner strength
6. I will listen to my inner truth
7. I will rediscover the magic of the universe
8. I will meditate twice a week
9. I will nurture myself
10. I will embrace healing

Maiden, Mother, Wise Woman Workshop

Today I had the Maiden, Mother, Wise Woman workshop run by Tanishka in Olinda. She is the woman who started up all the Red Tent Circles that I've been going to. The workshop was good, there were 5 of us plus Tanishka. A lot of it felt like I already knew it, either from previous learnings with paganism or soul knowledge.

Something that I really got today was how wounded my inner maiden is. Like majorly wounded. We started out with a meditation to visit each of the inner aspects and the maiden just took me and ran with me, showing all the areas in my life where I am wounded. This really hit home with me how much I need to work on nourishing and healing her.

The group commented on how strong the Mother and Wise Woman aspects were in me, which is possibly offsetting how wounded the Maiden is. I need to be able to integrate all 3 within me.

I came out of today with intentions to honour each of them:

Maiden: I will take time out to nourish and heal myself

Mother: I will encourage and speak my inner truth, without veils and illusions

Wise Woman: I will continue to evolve my spirituality and use it to help me on my path

These felt quite good.

Red Tent tomorrow night, seems like an intense spiritual period atm

Solo Temple

I didn't go to the shamanic circle tonight. I had had a bad nights sleep last night and it all just felt too difficult. I felt I would be bringing too much of a discordant energy to the group. Turns out it was probably a good idea as the group were going to be doing healing work with Karen who has been put on heart medication. I don't want to have interrupted that.

Tonight I reset up my own altar, taking back at least part of the spare room that had been converted into a more creative workspace.

I also did an inner temple meditation, creating my inner temple and meeting a spirit guide. My inner temple was a great field with a Greek temple in the middle of it. Inside the temple were the chambers of healing and of knowledge. Inside the chamber of knowledge I met one of my spirit guides, who my old doctor had told me was around, I just hadn't met her fully before now. Anenket is her name. She is the guide of my heart. When I asked her for what purpose recent relationships had been she said to reawaken my heart, as it had almost crystalised from inertia. i then asked what about Kim, and she brought Kim to see me. I almost cried at this point. She isn't gone, she is still here, she is just different now. And I can no longer take the big sister role with her, that needs to be healed. I also asked for advice on how I need to heal myself at the moment, and not to my surprise the answer was to let go which despaired me a little as I don't do that well. When I told Anenket this she told me the key was trust. Trust that this will be taken care of, trust that I don't have to manage it, trust that other people can do it just as well as I can. Seems simple now that I think about it but was a bit of an eye opener.

Drumming Circle - July

Tonight was my first drumming circle where we all got drums to hold and use throughout the circle. Most of the other people had their own drums but Joyce had a spare one for me to use. We drummed and chanted and sang songs. There was a small meditation in the middle of it, but it was different to Karen's circles in that it was more drumming and letting you go where you wanted to with the drums rather than a full on circle. Will have to get used to the new style.

Red Tent Circle - Cancer

The circle was larger tonight, 11 women in total. I'm not sure I liked the larger group but we shall see. Next month I'm going to sit in a different area of the circle as I have sat in the south east for the last 3 sessions.

We pulled Oracle cards and I got Isis - This situation involves your past life memories. I'm pondering perhaps this is what a past life connection is like, met in a previous life which potentially explains the connections.

It took a while to get me into the meditation, my back and neck were still, my lower back ached. I swirled into my third eye Chakra and into the boat. In between these two the space was quite dark and cavernous. I found I wanted to look around and see where I was in the boat. I didn't want to just lie there, I didn't want to trust where it was going. I started out in a large lake before it became a river. A large Greek Temple greeted me, gleaming white in the sun but with a dark entrance. I took the lantern and went into the darkness and came to a circle ampitheatre with an altar in the north. There I met Isis. She asked for when I have recently felt that I have lacked mothering and immediately I thought about recent relationships. I cried and let it out. It was/is a massive burden. She enveloped me in her arms and I felt surrounded by love, understanding and compassion. On coming out of the meditation my chest felt larger. The space between my back on the floor to my heart felt large and light which I'm taking is a good thing.

We then did a Past, Present, Future spread with one of the other women. Charlene and I pulled cards that the other person interpreted.

Past - Adili - Thoughts create your reality, be conscious of what you choose. The additional images that Charlene got were young and naive and the number 12.

Present - Glispa - Healing power within, healing through music. When we looked at the book the big things that jumped out where Shamanism and Drumming. Good thing I'm going to that Shamanic Drumming Circle in a fortnight.

Future - Isis - Heart will be healed, have faith, strength for heartbroken of the beloved, Charlene got the impression that it was a woman involved though.

Interesting reading. Isis is apparently calling at the moment and the Shamanic Drumming Circle is the way to go on the full moon.

Manifestations

I am worthy of self respect

I choose nurturing food and drink

I am capable and kick arse

I release my anger

I release unhealthy connections

I nurture myself

Maintain regular meditation

Walk frequently

See physio about back

Distance myself

Share more with P

Strengthen my back

Start Drumming

Turtle Woman Women's Circle - July

I went back to the circle this month, despite my previous misgivings over my own ego and I'm really glad I did. I felt welcomed back immediately and safe and cocooned in the group. There were a few more women there this time, and a few women from last time were unable to make it. All up there were 11 of us, so a bigger group but still the connectedness was there.

I spoke about Mel and her scans that need to happen and put her name on the healing list. Joyce, one of the elders of the group, reminded me that we are unable to see the bigger picture and we just have to trust and let people go on their own journeys. I then told everyone of the message from Kim, of her not being sad because she can see the bigger picture.

Several of the group were undergoing pain and it was good to be reminded that we're not alone in our pain. The weird thing is, pain makes us shut off from the world and thats when we need the world, need our connections the most.

The card I pulled was Enchantment, reminding me to see the childlike joy in things. It seems I'm getting that message a lot at the moment, to enjoy life, laugh, delight in it.

The journey was interesting, I went where I was told to go. I had a new animal accompanying me, Hawk. We went to the Grandmother's Council and the messages that I got were forgiveness and fortitude. A sense that its ok, things will get better, I just need to weather it for now.

After the circle had closed I was speaking with a couple of the women and Joyce invited me to her drumming group on the 26th of July, coincidentally the full moon. It seems that when I least expect it, but open myself to it, groups and connections come out of the woodwork.

A realisation tonight was that I connected too much to a song where a guy gave the girl the breath of life, woke her up, unfroze her. And I can't always rely on that connection to be there, or fulfill that role, it is unfair of me to do so. I have to learn to fulfill it for myself, to pull myself up and light up my own life.

Daunting but true words