Turtle Woman (Tree Heart) Women's Circle - September

It had been a couple of months since I went to Turtle Woman's Womens Circle. I now know it is called the Tree Heart Circle, which I like.

Brought up a lot of things that I needed healing for, mostly around my guilt surrounding Kim's death, the whole idea that if what we think and speak manifests, then how did I not have some part in her death, considering I imagined what would happen if she died prior to the last round of diagnosis. I asked for healing and understanding from Spirit, and immediately afterwards Louise sat me down and we had a good chat. She's apparently taking me under her wing to try and help through these issues. Ask and ye shall receive.

The card I pulled was The Morning Star which immediately spoke of hope to me. However I then immediately quashed that and went on and on in my head about how I don't understand the card and couldn't possibly understand it etc. I sat in my own darkness and didn't want to come out. I acknowledged that in the circle. Louise also gave me her card, which was Lovers at the Feast which was all about hope as well as conscious eating which was very fitting.

The meditation saw me journey with Dog, who hasn't been the main guide before but was the only guide this time. I still struggle to see the faces of the Grandmother's Council and the ancestors, but I suspect thats my own ego jumping in there. I think I see people from my family but then immediately throw that idea out as it is just 'wishful thinking.' Though I guess who is to say who is right or not. Giama was the woman who gave me a gift this time, I actually kept trying to shift her image but she wouldn't stay different for long. She gave me an acorn but also a white rose. In the pool of tears I curled into a ball and mourned and cried and felt the hurt and the pain and the depth of what I was feeling. Leaving the cave saw me geared in greek armour, with golden leather boots and breastplate with a flowing white robe underneath. It felt powerful and with added protection, something that I had felt that I needed.

Louise is going to email me about her woman's group, yes that'll be the fourth one I'm potentially involved with, as well as a fundraiser she's organising.

Turtle Woman Women's Circle - July

I went back to the circle this month, despite my previous misgivings over my own ego and I'm really glad I did. I felt welcomed back immediately and safe and cocooned in the group. There were a few more women there this time, and a few women from last time were unable to make it. All up there were 11 of us, so a bigger group but still the connectedness was there.

I spoke about Mel and her scans that need to happen and put her name on the healing list. Joyce, one of the elders of the group, reminded me that we are unable to see the bigger picture and we just have to trust and let people go on their own journeys. I then told everyone of the message from Kim, of her not being sad because she can see the bigger picture.

Several of the group were undergoing pain and it was good to be reminded that we're not alone in our pain. The weird thing is, pain makes us shut off from the world and thats when we need the world, need our connections the most.

The card I pulled was Enchantment, reminding me to see the childlike joy in things. It seems I'm getting that message a lot at the moment, to enjoy life, laugh, delight in it.

The journey was interesting, I went where I was told to go. I had a new animal accompanying me, Hawk. We went to the Grandmother's Council and the messages that I got were forgiveness and fortitude. A sense that its ok, things will get better, I just need to weather it for now.

After the circle had closed I was speaking with a couple of the women and Joyce invited me to her drumming group on the 26th of July, coincidentally the full moon. It seems that when I least expect it, but open myself to it, groups and connections come out of the woodwork.

A realisation tonight was that I connected too much to a song where a guy gave the girl the breath of life, woke her up, unfroze her. And I can't always rely on that connection to be there, or fulfill that role, it is unfair of me to do so. I have to learn to fulfill it for myself, to pull myself up and light up my own life.

Daunting but true words

Turtle Woman Women's Circle

I went along to the women's circle I was invited to yesterday. It wasn't as ecstatic experience as the Red Tent circle group and I'm trying to figure out why. The group was a pretty amazing bunch of women, 7 in total including me. And we went through the smudging and then did a bit of circle to get ourselves present, followed by pulling a couple of cards (Dreamcatcher and Retreat) and journey work.

I think my problem is that I'm a bit of a snob and I have no idea why I'm acting this way. They were wonderful women but rough and I'm not sure why but I'm pulling away from this. Most of the pagan/spiritual stuff I have been involved in has felt smooth and light. This felt rough and raw, which I'm actually thinking is how shamanism should feel. And the thing is it wasn't even the ritual, or circle that has me arked up, it was talking with them afterwards.

Of the 7 women there, 6 had lost someone close to them in the last 2 years. That brought me home, grounded me, and made me realise I'm possibly living a bit too much into my grief, too much into the victim, the wound.

So it wasn't as an amazing experience as the Red Tent. I have issues I need to work through with it, primarily my own ego. I'm not sure whether I'll go back next month. I'd like to think I would, but I guess I'll see how the next few days go.